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Can I Turn My Crush Gay?

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love crush

Though sexual orientation can't be changed, gay teens sometimes hope they can turn a straight crush gay.

Image (c) Julia Voßhenrich
Question: Can I Turn My Crush Gay?
One of the hardest things for gay teens can be having a crush on someone straight. Most people know that you can't "turn" someone gay, but that doesn't mean that some gay teens don't hope to make a straight crush like them back.
Answer:

One of the most popular sections of this site is where readers respond to the question, "What can you do if you are a GLBT teen with a crush on someone straight?"

A lot of teens are in this situation and while some just write to vent, or share their experiences, others want tips for getting their crush's attention or "turning" their crush gay.

As one gay teen wrote:

"There is this boy in my school called, Mitchell. He is 2 years above me and I love him. We hung out the other day and we watched a film together. He is so cute and I just want him so badly. Does anyone have any tips to make him like me back?"

That's a tough one. Basically, there is no way to make someone like you romantically if that isn't how they feel. You don't mention if you know whether this guy is gay or straight, but that is probably one of the first things you want to find out.

Now plenty of teens don't actually know the answer to that question themselves (since figuring out your sexual orientation can be a long process), and others are very private about sharing this information. So even if you bluntly asked him, you might not get the truth.

However, if it turns out that he is gay, then you could let him know how you feel and ask him if he feels the same. He may or he may not, but asking him (of having a friend ask him) is really the only way to find out.

If it turns out that he is straight, things might feel a little different. Of course, you could still tell him how you feel. But if you do, you should be prepared for a few different reactions, and not all of them positive. It is possible that he will be flattered, or interested, or looking to experiment. But it is also possible that he will be freaked out and uncomfortable.

Sadly, we live in a world with a lot of homophobia and straight guys often feel threatened when gay guys are interested in them.

Though it can be hard to accept, most straight guys just aren't going to be interested in a gay relationship. The fact is, people can't "turn" other people gay or bisexual, just like they can't turn them straight. Most professionals agree that sexual orientation is far too complicated to be changed. Though we don't know exactly what determines sexual orientation (or gender identity), we do know that neither can be attributed to any one easily changeable factor.

So what can you do? One is to check yourself if you think that you are becoming "obsessed." That can mean making sure you have some space from this guy and focusing on other things. Here is some advice from a teen who's been there himself:

"Ok, so you like the guy but he's straight. Sorry to break your heart but he's not likely to change his mind. I once spent 4 years chasing after a really sweet friend of mine who knew I was gay but was completely oblivious to my feelings for him. Eventually he got a girlfriend and I knew I had to let go. How? Step 1: Find a hobby you can do without him. Video games, exercise, (morning runs are nice) learn to cook, buy a cheap guitar, etc. Step 2: Expand your social circle so that he isn't the center of your world. The best way is to join social groups in your school or community. Sports, art, theater, music, hobby clubs, volunteering, etc. You may have to work a bit to find them but it's worth it. Step 3: Be patient. The downside of being gay is that we have fewer partners to choose from. Realize that it may take time to find a guy who can love you back."

Of course, sometimes people who you are crushing on return your feelings, which is great. But if that doesn't seem to be happening, it is true that distracting yourself by keeping busy can help get your mind back on track! If the feelings really don't get any easier to handle, you might want to consider talking to a someone you trust about what you are going through.

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