A 15-year-old gay teen has a crush on a guy in his twenties and wonders if pursuing something is a good idea. Unfortunately, doing so could get the older partner in trouble if he breaks statutory rape laws, and it could be tough for the younger partner if there is an uneven power balance.
"OK so I've been crushing on this guy and lately, I noticed I actually have feelings for him. There are two problems though. I'm in Canada and he's in the United States. Second problem, eh there's an age gap? The exact years of the gap would be 5? 5-6 years?
Currently I am 15 and he is currently 21. We both have feelings for one another and stuff but legally it wouldn't be...good? And by the time I turn 18 he would be 23-24 and by the time I'm 21 he would be 26-27. I need some major advice. We both have feelings for one another, both of us would like to bring the friendship further but, well, I don't know, considering that age gap.
1. Could we still bring it further? I mean even if I have to wait till I'm 18, would it still be possible for us to bring it further?
That was option 1, now here's 2.
2. Remain friends and never bring it further (which would tick us both off, whatever).
Please advise me, I mean logically I would wait till I am 18 and no he didn't make the move... I err... sorta did."
It sounds like you have a pretty good sense that pursuing anything right now isn't the best idea. While it would be nice if love had no boundaries, the world we live in doesn't work like this and young people have found themselves sitting in jail for the crime of statutory rape after having sex with someone only a few -- not 5 or 6-- years younger.
In Canada the legal age for vaginal sex is 16, and for anal it is 18, and while Canada has a close-in-age exception, which means charges won't be laid if partners are within 4 years of each other, your scenario doesn't fall into this category. In the states things are just as confusing and complicated, but in no state is it legal for a 21 year old to have sex with a 15 year old.
But beyond the legal issue, there are a lot of other things to think about when considering dating someone older. For example, you might want to ask yourself:
- Do you really have an equal say in the relationship?
- Does this guy have a history of dating teens? If so, you might want to ask why he never dates people his own age.
- Do you feel like he is trying to control you at all, or does he ever act jealous?
These things might not seem like such a big deal, but when it comes to younger teens and older partners, they are often red flags of trouble to come.
You also ask if you should wait until you are 18. I would say no. There are going to be a lot of important experiences that you will miss out on if you wait three years to be with this guy. Plus, if he is so far away, it is unlikely that he will also be waiting. That doesn't mean you can't stay in touch and see where you are in the future. Doing that might be a way to maintain contact without risking your emotions, breaking the law or setting yourelf up for unrealizstic expectations.
