On Independence Day, Thinking About Teen Independence

July 4th marks America's Independence Day. And while gaining independence from parents isn't exactly the same as gaining it for a country, it seems like a good time to discuss the topic of teen autonomy.

For GLBT teens a lack of independence can make things like meeting other GLBT kids, finding information online, and even seeing a doctor, really challenging. This can happen when a teen doesn't want to come out to a parent. It can also happen when a parent knows, or suspects, that a teen is gay and mistakenly thinks that withholding information about GLBT life will somehow "straighten" their child out. As a result, some gay teens find themselves sneaking around behind their parents backs--usually, without great results.

There aren't always perfect solutions to gaining independence, but here are some things to keep in mind:

• Be responsible. Prove that your parents can trust you. Be where you say you will be. Call when you say you will. Come home on time. The more trust you build with your parents, the more flexible they will feel comfortable being.
• Challenge, don't attack. If your parents make completely unreasonable rules, for example that you can't join a club for GLBT teens at school, or hang out with a gay friend, it can be really tempting to scream and yell. It's unlikely that this will get you the results you are hoping for. Try, try, try to remain calm. Think about what you want to say before you say it. Ask your parents to explain their decisions. If they refuse to have a rational conversation, think about a supportive adult whose opinion they might value. It may be to your benefit to enlist that person’s help when having a conversation.
• Compromise. If your parents want you home by 9, but you want to stay out until midnight, then you might want to suggest a compromise. Ask if they will allow you to stay out later if you have a good reason to do so. For example, a movie that gets out at 9:30, or a school event. Giving them a CONCRETE reason will help you see results faster than if they think you just want to hang out on a street corner.
• Choose your battles. Look, if you wanted to you could fight about anything under the sun. But it is often wise to focus on issues that you care the most about. If your parents see that you are passionate about something specific, and don’t just think you are being argumentative, getting your way is a lot more likely.

Do you think you have enough independence? If you had more freedom, what would you do with it?