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Ellen Friedrichs

Straight Female Attracted to FTM Transgender Man

By October 2, 2008

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I am a 20 year-old female, and I consider myself to be straight, and although I have a few fantasies about women, I feel like they are more curiosities than real sexual or romantic attraction. I have many lesbian and gay friends, and I have always been very accepting and open to the idea of a sexual spectrum when it comes to others' sexuality. I have recently become friends with a FTM transgender man, and I find myself very sexually (although not romantically) attracted to him. The fact that I am attracted to him makes me very uncomfortable. I'm wondering if anyone has any advice to help me approach what I am feeling, and process this within my own concept of my identity as a straight woman.

Do you have any advice? Feel free to share it in the comments here or post in the community forum

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Comments
October 3, 2008 at 1:07 pm
(1) tina says:

It’s pretty simple, really.

You are straight, which means you are sexually attracted to men.

He’s a man.

It really doesn’t have to be any more complicated than that.

Consider this- there are people born intersexed whose genetic makeup doesn’t match their genitals and overall looks, XX people with penises who look like men and XY people with vaginas who look like women. Short of genetic testing and other medical testing, you would never know that they were any different from any other “normal” person.

How would you feel about the same situation involving one of theses XX males? Would the lack of one tiny Y chromosome in a person who otherwise looked like any other man cause this much grief and soul searching? My guess is probably not.

Obviously there are more obvious differences in a F2M TS, but the most obvious one of no penis is a situation that can occur in non-TS people due to everything from a birth defect to an accident- none of which would make a man suddenly not a man.

That is the bottom line- a penis isn’t what makes a person a man, regardless of what antiquated pre-genetics social constructs might tell you.

Hope this helps.

October 3, 2008 at 6:57 pm
(2) Reese says:

It seems to me that while you’ve been accepting of other people’s sexualities, you haven’t been so accepting of your own.

Yes, transguys look like non-transguys which would explain your attraction to his overall appearance. But we’re not like non-transguys in the fact that we’ve experienced life as female for a certain amount of time. For some that could be a decade and for others, they never move away from having a female body. That doesn’t make us any less than non-transguys, but it does make our bodies and experiences different. I don’t think anyone would deny that. And it seems that this difference is what is making you uncomfortable with how that might reflect in your sexual orientation.

When it comes down to it, you can identify however you want to. It’s your prerogative to decide whether you’re straight or bisexual or queer.

Furthermore, your comfort level with his body and what his sexual wants and needs may be are issues that people confront in any kind of sexual intimacy (with ourselves and with others). Some people have places they don’t like to be touched…or places on others they don’t want to touch. We’re all different and we can’t assume that because someone has a penis they like to penetrate or if they have a vagina they like to be penetrated.

I say you’ll never know how being with a trans guy or with a girl feels until you try it. And most sexual things we think are “icky” and “gross” cause we’re raised to believe it….eventually some of us get over it.

Good luck.

December 3, 2008 at 11:04 am
(3) Heather says:

Go with it. I am madly in love with a trans man. They are the best men in the world to love and be loved by. The sex is amazing, the love is beyond space and time. Don’t be afraid, he’s just him and you are just you.

December 19, 2008 at 8:52 pm
(4) Dominic says:

Wow Heather nice comment. I’m a FTM, and was dating a woman I was head over heals in love with. Completely. I only tried to make her happy. But I feel as though she was always trying to sabotage the relationship, and she wasn’t being honest to me, nor herself. She went after me. She’s a straight woman, a mother. And she cheated. I’m sure numerous times. Because she needed the ‘real thing.’ She’s the one though, that when it gets tough, when she thinks of the future, what friends will say if they found out (future friends) children…etc, she’ll leave. It got too ‘difficult’ for her. It crushed me. She told me she wanted to be single, and work on herself. The next day…found herself someone new shes completely in love with. Well, good for her. If she’s happy…then Good. I always told her she wouldn’t find anyone better then me…perhaps I was wrong. If she did…good for her. Cuz after all…he has the real penis. I was born like this, I HAVE to live like this she would always say…she chooses to. I wish there were more woman out there like you Heather that appreciate something amazing when they have it.

February 21, 2009 at 7:37 am
(5) flos says:

i’ve been dating a pre-op transman for 3 years now. I was very confused, and for a very long time i struggled to come to terms with my sexual orientation. i tried to define and re-define myself, first as les, then as bi, then as pan. but i just knew i didn’t fit since i have never feel sexually attracted to any woman before. it frustrates me no ends, and sometimes i really hurt my man. but he sticks around and settled me down everytime i start a tantrum. now, after all the research about transgender and my own self reflection, i realised i’m just a straight female who got attracted and fell in love with a wonderful man. i feel much more at peace with myself, and we are researching on the transformation process for him.
so, bottom line, being with a transman doesn’t make a straight woman anything else but a happy straight woman ;)

transmen, if your girl is first time with a transman, please communicate this and save us from all the confusion.

April 6, 2009 at 1:41 am
(6) Tina says:

It amazes me still to see so many people worried about what ‘society’ or ‘my friends’ will think about what/who I am or who I choose to be with. I was one of those that dated both male and female.. got caught up in the whole ‘you have to be either lesbian or straight and bisexual just means you are curious’.. pff.. it’s so silly.. oh what will my friends think.. what will my family say.. what if this person finds out.. what am I? What LABEL do I have to wear?
For crying out loud.. God created each and every one.. we are all the same on the inside.. the bodies are just what we are experiencing the world with.. everyone needs to just STOP identifying so much with what body the person I love is in..
I also perform as a drag king and love the opportunity to express the masculine side of myself.. Yin/Yang.. we are all both.. irregardless of what body we want to be in.. and if others can’t accept you for being transgender/transsexual/ftm/etc label then remove yourself from the situation… if you are attracted to someone who you THINK is not the gender you SHOULD be attracted to, THINK AGAIN..
THE EYES OF GOD KNOWS NO GENDER
It will be a blessed day when people learn to accept others for WHAT they are instead of who they THINK they are..
May all those in this situation… whatever you want to call yourselves… be blessed and have beautiful lives with people truly accepting of YOUR choice.. My heart goes out to each and every one..
(sorry for the soap box.. I normally don’t get involved but I was doing more research and found this site.. and felt compelled to spill my heart lol)
LOVE TO YOU ALL (no matter what you are)
x0x0x0x0x0x

May 26, 2009 at 2:03 pm
(7) kelleyroo2 says:

I am a Transman, and blessed. My wife and I had been together 5 years when I decieded to start to transition. At first she was a bit resistant, I was her first and only female lover and when I decieded to transition she kind of went through her own identity crisis. She asked me if I minded that she still identified as a Lesbian. I tolder that was almost every mans dream to be married to Lesbian. LOL. However, she came to terms with it by realizing she me the person not my gender, and to not accept me would make here hypocrate feeling she wanted accpetance as Lesbian. After that she has been 100% behind me in this process, and we have never been happier. People get way to caught up in titles and whatever one thinks….I dated a woman and she said she was not straight, gay nor bi…she loved the person..again not the gender. So on that note take chance and live, you my discover something great about yourself and him.

May 30, 2009 at 6:15 pm
(8) Dm says:

tht’s very ironic because im actually a mtf transgender and i am very attracted to a ftm transgender especially sexually (lol).
i would definitely say that a lot of times with love the best thing to do is ignore gender completely and go just by what you feel. if it makes you happy, GO FOR IT!!!!

June 29, 2009 at 8:33 pm
(9) James says:

I am transgendered and my girlfriend and now wife has never been accepting of it.. She has always looked at it in disgust and I have always felt very ashamed of it….I came out for a short time while we broke up and lost all my friends. It was a lot of fun…So now I am back to just being a closet freak but only in my mind..Its like an addiction. I can’t think about it much cause I will want to pursue it again. I have tried real hard for the last 7 years not to think about and haven’t had a episode but starting to think about it again…dammit

I wish it would go away or people wouldn’t treat me like such a freak cause something is break again.

July 27, 2009 at 12:11 am
(10) jas says:

i am madly and deeply in love with a ftm transsexual. and at first, i had many confusing thoughts. he never ever wanted to be viewed as a female. to him, he wasnt. no matter what was between his legs, or what wasnt. its a very scary process to go thru. but he has helped me to become the woman i wanted to be as much as the man he wanted to be. i judged myself for a long time. was i lesbian? bi? no, i am a simplt straight woman in love with a wonderful man. i couldn have been happier with a so called “normal” man.

August 10, 2009 at 11:30 am
(11) Wimp says:

Ya can’t help who ya love be it male or female.

September 1, 2009 at 8:16 pm
(12) Larry Peppers says:

As the great magican,Houdini,once said “What the ears hear and the eyes see…the mind believes!”

Ill tell you what….send me a email once something is said or kicks off with you and this FTM,im intrested to hear your response!

twowh33lterror@yahoo.com

September 8, 2009 at 10:56 am
(13) Woody says:

I’m a little late in joining this discussion, but this is my thought on the whole thing (coming from a girl dating a transman):

It’s not about whether you’re attracted to men or women, it’s about being attracted to a person… who ever that might be, whatever they might be.

The person you’re sexually interested in probably appeases something in you, which makes you question yourself. But loving someone or being in a relationship has never changed WHO you are before, so why should it now? Questioning who you are now because of this doesn’t make sense, unless you’ve always considered straight AS your identity.

It should also be noted that the person might be a ftm transgendered person, and that is what they are, but it is *not* WHO they are.

In the end, only you will know what is the right thing for you, and only you can know who you are. What other people say or think don’t matter. At least it shouldn’t…

September 24, 2009 at 4:29 pm
(14) George says:

I’m a post op transguy I’ve been on hormones for two years.

I’m looking for a woman regardless of their identity.
Surely it’s about the conection rather than the identity?

My advice is, go for it transmen are just men who are fortunate enough to experience what it’s like to be female.
I personaly think, it’s a brilliant insite to have.

All the best

November 20, 2009 at 4:07 am
(15) Sketch says:

Hello everyone, I am an ftm and I am very attracted, possibly in love with my best friend. She is straight, yet married once before to a straight man, she had a lesbian experience and said she didn’t care for sex with a woman. She knows I’m ftm. She sends me mixed signals, like she’s never going to date/have a relationship with anyone ever again because her husband cheated on her, she divorced him, got with a younger guy and he commited suicide. She flirts with me, I buy her all kinds of nice gifts, take her out to eat all the time, but what can I do? I am kind of scared to tell her I like her in that way, but I think she likes me but maybe we’re both just too afraid to lose our friendship and get our hearts broken again. I’d love to hear from you, I need advice. I have tried to date other women, but it doesn’t work out because all I can think about is my best friend. She gets jealous about the women I date or when I talk about my ex gfs. Hmmm, I’m confused. Advice please???

February 7, 2010 at 2:46 pm
(16) Kant says:

He is a man. that’s all. talk to him.

May 20, 2010 at 11:27 pm
(17) avrilvega says:

Be true to yourself no matter what.

January 29, 2011 at 3:02 pm
(18) no.justice says:

so heres my dramatic dilemma.
i am a transgendered aspiring ftm on horomones.. in a relationship with the most amazing girl.. long distance relationship. she thinks i am a man. as i view myself. we havent met yet but by the time we do, i will be a man. it terrifies me to tell her. she wants children. i dont wanna lose her. i fear she wont be as understanding as the women who’s comments i just read. i’ve hinted at it, telling her theres something, she can tell it kills me and tells me she’ll love me no what

January 29, 2011 at 3:02 pm
(19) no.justice says:

so heres my dramatic dilemma.
i am a transgendered aspiring ftm on horomones.. in a relationship with the most amazing girl.. long distance relationship. she thinks i am a man. as i view myself. we havent met yet but by the time we do, i will be a man. it terrifies me to tell her. she wants children. i dont wanna lose her. i fear she wont be as understanding as the women who’s comments i just read. i’ve hinted at it, telling her theres something, she can tell it kills me and tells me she’ll love me no what

February 21, 2011 at 12:58 am
(20) FemmeTO says:

I was in love with a transman, and it was never – not even for a moment – an issue or concern for me regarding my sexual or gender identity or his. Adored his complexity, the fluidity and variety of our sexual expression, even though we weren’t together for very long. And I never felt as if I had to “define” myself or him in a particular way.

Please try to process and shed as much of society’s expectations as you can, and try to experience this type of love if this is the attraction you feel. I have been in heterosexual relationships with bio-men for most of life, and it really is no different: we all, regardless of sex, express many types of emotions and traits that can be considered by society as either masculine or feminine, and this is beautiful.

Unfortunately, my transman was the one who shut down. I sense he had his own issues around identity (whether or not he was a gay or straight or bi male, etc.), or perhaps past losses. It was very difficult for me, but in spite of some of his hurtful distancing behaviours in the end, I’m glad I had that experience.

To the 20 year old original poster, I hope you’ll embrace all aspects of yourself and sexual expression, as well as his (and others in your future). Life is short!

January 29, 2012 at 2:18 pm
(21) yann says:

Hello!!
I have to say as i am a FTM that finding love is difficult after beeing with my girlfriend before my surgery to become a man, we had a wonderfull time crossed by dark moment regarding her family and mine!!
I have to say that i understand that is very hard for a woman to love a transgender man even if there is a lot of love, the pressure can bring the couple to separation , which was my case, today i am alone and not sure that i will find love again
The probem is to find the woman who would accept my difference.
Regarding my transition even alone, i have no regret as if i did not had it i would be dead today.

March 5, 2012 at 9:22 pm
(22) Alvaro says:

I am a transman and i want to love and be loved by a person that makes me feel amazing in every which way… 25 M NY pr light skin dark hair brown eyes. I am in search for a good hearted women that thinks out the box n is level headed…. if you can be tht send a pic toooo nick86rodriguez@aol.com n we shall take it from there…. n i would like to make sum trans friends in general so any 1 looken to make friends hit me up 4 sure…

March 5, 2012 at 9:23 pm
(23) bern says:

love ftm there the besttttt

May 31, 2012 at 6:53 pm
(24) Jack Ori says:

I want to thank everyone who responded in this thread. I’m a pre-op transguy and as I enter the dating world, I’ve been worrying a lot about whether a woman could accept me as the man I am or whether I would even be able to have sex because I’m repulsed and ashamed by my female parts that don’t match my identity. Reading all these responses and realising that there are women out there who are totally open to dating and falling in Love with trans guys just gave me a ton of hope I really needed.

June 8, 2012 at 7:22 pm
(25) Kathan says:

I have had only the top surgery done (love being flat chested, FTM). Not taking hormones and may not have the bottom surgery done. Feel very much like a straight guy and would love to be with a straight woman. I am pleased to see so many positive comments here. I consider myself a nice guy and lots of fun to be with. I am 58 yrs old, 5′ 2″ and about 120 lbs/ have a buzz cut haircut. Love doing things in the city, theatre; brunch; boat rides etc. If you just want to meet and talk only, that would be nice. Iive in SF, please just post a messae to Kathan.

July 7, 2012 at 4:35 am
(26) Chris says:

Hi to All!

I have been a post op FtM guy since 1989. Since Jr. high, I’ve always attracted very straight females with moments of attracting straight males. I’ve always been honest with everyone of interest. I think it is the fair thing to do. I am now married to a straight woman who I met in 1994 (we were married in 2010). If I have anything to offer to this discussion it is this: Be yourself. Be Natural. In my case, I am a 5’6″ muscular Pacifiic Islander Christian male. I treat everyone male or female with the same respect I want for myself. My wife says that I am definitely masculine with insight to the female mind. She also claims that I am able to be ultra Male but very sensitive too. My wife says I am the best lover she has ever had because my goal is to please her.

Once people get to know me, the tranny condition, should it come up, doesn’t matter. I have had a few relationships that didn’t work out but they ended for very normal reasons; we grew apart. And each time it happened, I thought that I’d never find another love but I always did; especially when I wasn’t trying to find someone.

Live honest lives and love will happen,

September 10, 2012 at 8:36 pm
(27) Josh says:

This is a great article written about/by a straight woman who fell in love with a transman. Its awesome, touching, and telling….worth the read.

http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Falling-in-Love-with-a-Transgender-Man/1

March 25, 2014 at 4:50 am
(28) Wayne says:

Just listen to your heart. Never mind what others or your brain says.

April 9, 2014 at 7:31 pm
(29) Sofie Van Dijk says:

I am a heterosexual woman who fell in love with a transgender woman.

I still think I am not a lesbian.

Labels are not needed anyway.

Love know no boundaries.

It is not the gender I fell in love with, it is the person behind the gender.

Simple as that.

May 7, 2014 at 8:47 pm
(30) michele says:

I say if he is sweet, kind, intelligent, and sensitive to your needs and hesitations, then he should be a wonderful friend which could turn into a wonderful partnership and a future as lovers. Don’t rush into things if you’re unsure about your feelings or attraction to him, but if its a matter of labels like bisexual or transexual, then remember there’s only one label that really matters: love. Besides, having formally been a woman, a transman should have some idea about a woman’s body, and might be easier and more compassionate to relate to about issues in the bedroom than a heterosexual man. If he is the right one, then his previous life is only a bump on the road

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